The road to fatherhood is like a roller coaster – exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I imagine that this sentiment is shared by all men regardless of how they get there. Because our experience is through Domestic Private Infant Adoption, I will speak of it through that lens. Since this is a fairly in-depth process, I am writing about it in multiple parts. Even so, I will still be only scratching the surface…
Photograph: NBC/NBC via Getty Images
The first step in the long road becoming a dad through adoption is being certified by the state in which you live as having the physical, mental, emotional and financial capacities to parent. This is provided that you live in a state that allows gay adoption. Sorry, Floridians! That certification process is called a “home study”.
A home study isn’t someone coming in and critiquing your choice of window treatments or your questioning your judgment in buying that Pottery Barn bookcase on clearance. It is a probing, in-depth analysis of everything about you – your life story, finances, background checks, motivation to be a parent, child-rearing beliefs and what your relationship is like as a couple. Come to think of it, I bet we all know some biological parents who could have used a pre-approval before procreating!
Our home study was done by an older lesbian who I will refer to as Leesa. The entire process was comprised of three in-person meetings. Our first meeting with Leesa was in her office which smelled like a cross between old wool and a herd of wet cats. It was the kind of smell that lingers in your nasal passages and taste buds for a few days. That should have been our first clue that we had entered the lair of the Lesbian Mafia. Our second clue that this experience was going to be challenging was when we found out that though 2007, Leesa had yet to jump on the email band wagon. She was just an old-fashioned, granola kind of gal with a land-line and answering machine. She was lightning fast at cashing checks but not so good at returning phone calls in a timely manner. Maybe dialing that rotary phone consumed her energy expenditure for the day?
Our second meeting with Leesa took place in our home. She took a tour to deem it suitable to raise a child. For good measure, we played the soundtrack from The Sound of Music (just kidding, but not the worst idea.) She interviewed us individually and then together. In hindsight, we both enjoyed the introspective that it provided. It’s not every day that you get to take a “This is Your Life” view of yourself. Leesa then gave us an assignment to write up a similar synopsis of what we just shared verbally.
For our last meeting – reviewing and accepting the document, we returned to the lair. This time we were armed with Nasonex. Soon we would have the tool we needed to begin our quest. When we reviewed the document, the reason for our assignment became apparent. We had essentially written the lion’s share of what she was being paid to write! Oh, she added the parts verifying that we aren’t axe murderers and some other pleasantries. At that point, I should have asked her for an application to work for her agency. And, a cut of what we paid her, for that matter. But we were relieved to be done with the first step. We could now contract with an agency to start our search. In the meeting, Leesa once again offered us her services in that area. That decision took us a whole 2.7 seconds to consider. Um, no. We would have to loop back with her for the post-adopt approvals but that would be at the other end of our journey. By then, we would be well on our way to being a family.
Next week: Choosing an Agency
